Trauma Surviving
Healing from trauma is never linear. It’s a messy, painful, and often expensive journey that requires time, patience, and an incredible amount of strength. For me, this journey has been marked by severe acute PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), night terrors, anxiety, and a host of other symptoms that have impacted every corner of my life.
I’m not here to tell you the story of what caused my trauma—that’s a chapter I’ll go into in another post. But what I can share is the timeline of my healing and the steps I’ve taken along the way, from the multiple doctors and treatments to the techniques that have helped, like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).
The Beginning: Recognizing the Trauma
Like many, I didn’t immediately recognize my symptoms as PTSD. My body knew something was wrong before my mind did. I had severe night terrors that were so intense I’d wake up with pulled muscles, shaking, drenched in sweat, and struggling to breathe. I would feel on edge constantly, experiencing what felt like panic attacks at random moments. Little things would trigger me—sounds, sights, smells—and I couldn’t control my reaction.
It was like my brain was stuck in a constant state of fight or flight. Every day felt like a battle, and every night was a war zone in my mind.
Seeking Help: The Journey Through 6 Doctors
Over the course of my healing journey, I saw six different doctors. I knew I needed help, but finding the right help was a challenge in itself. I spent countless hours in waiting rooms, going through assessments, and explaining my symptoms over and over again, hoping that one of them would finally get it. Sharing my story would leave me shaking and stuttering, which always made me feel bad about myself.
Some doctors were helpful, while others simply didn’t understand the severity of my PTSD. Everyone bragged about having trauma certifications, but my level of trauma was not experienced frequently enough for them to have had experience in it. Some prescribed medications, which, for me, didn’t make much of a difference. Others suggested standard talk therapy, which felt like I was constantly scratching at the surface without ever diving deep enough to truly heal. But I kept pushing forward because I knew that I couldn’t live like this forever.
I found a doctor who was the leading specialist of PTSD in the country and a war veteran himself. Having a doctor understand what I went through on a level that deep was extremely comforting for me. With his guidance and suggestions I wrote a little book called Trauma Surviving: Suggestions and Tips for Short Term Trauma Survivors. I priced it as low as I could and hoped it would help someone out there who was struggling as I had. Whenever I sell a copy I get sad that someone else is suffering, then happy I could ease their pain a small amount.
$30,000 in Treatments: A Price on Healing
One of the hardest parts of my journey was the cost. Healing from trauma shouldn’t come with a price tag, but the reality is that it does. Over the first year alone, I’d spent around $30,000 on treatments—everything from therapy sessions to medication to specialized treatments like EMDR. The financial burden added another layer of stress to an already overwhelming situation, but I knew that I had to invest in my mental health.
Some days it felt like I was throwing money at something I couldn’t fix, but slowly, over time, I started to notice small changes. Those moments of relief, no matter how brief, were worth every penny.
EMDR: How It Helped My Brain Heal
One of the most significant breakthroughs for me came through EMDR therapy. EMDR works by using bilateral stimulation (usually through eye movements or tapping) to help the brain reprocess traumatic memories. The idea is that trauma gets "stuck" in the brain, and EMDR helps move those memories out of the "fight or flight" part of the brain and into a place where they can be processed more calmly.
I’ll admit, I was skeptical at first. How could something as simple as following a therapist’s hand movements with my eyes help me heal from something so deep and complex? But I was willing to try anything.
The first few sessions were incredibly intense. EMDR doesn’t make the memories go away, but it changes how your brain reacts to them. Instead of feeling like I was right back in the middle of the trauma, I was able to remember those moments without the same visceral reaction. It would skyrocket my blood pressure. My night terrors got increasingly worse as well, with me sleeping an average of 3 hours a night. Over time, I felt like the grip those memories had on me was slowly loosening.
These sessions are typically an hour long and leave you feeling exhausted. Because of the intense trauma I had, I would do 3-4 hour sessions once a week. I would leave feeling as though I had run a marathon then been hit by a bus.
It didn’t happen overnight, and I still have work to do, but EMDR has been a huge part of my healing process. It gave me tools to cope and allowed me to start separating myself from the trauma, even if just by a little. I’d highly recommend it to anyone who suffers.
Living with Severe Acute PTSD
Even with the progress I’ve made, I’m not "cured." PTSD is something I live with every day. The night terrors still come, although they aren’t as frequent. There are nights when I wake up in pain, having pulled a muscle from tensing up so severely in my sleep. There are days when I’m hypervigilant, constantly scanning my surroundings for danger, even though I’m safe.
It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. But it’s my reality.
One of the hardest parts about living with PTSD is that it doesn’t just go away when you want it to. Some days are good, and some days are terrible. The people around me often forget that I suffer, and don’t notice when I suddenly shut down. But through all of it, I’ve learned how resilient I am. I’ve learned that healing isn’t about eliminating the pain—it’s about learning how to carry it differently.
Finding the Strength to Keep Going
This journey isn’t over. I’m still working through my trauma, still learning new ways to cope with the symptoms, and still figuring out what it means to live with PTSD. But through it all, I’ve found strength I didn’t know I had.
Healing is hard. It’s messy, it’s expensive, and it’s exhausting. But I’m here. I’m still standing, still fighting, still healing.
For anyone reading this who’s struggling with trauma, PTSD, or mental health, know that it’s okay to seek help. It’s okay if it takes time to find the right doctors, the right treatments, and the right support. And it’s okay if your healing doesn’t look like anyone else’s. Your journey is your own, and that’s what makes it so powerful.
